February 13th, 2017

Today we delve into a topic that is often lauded and encouraged in public, but which can be among the most difficult to genuinely and consistently practice in private: Forgiveness. Traditionally, we have been taught to think of Forgiveness as providing mercy towards another, to forego harsh judgment of someone after they have wronged us and instead, magnanimously treat them as if the transgression never occurred. It is characterized as an act of leniency, of compromise, sometimes even of weakness. But in truth, to forgive is perhaps the most powerful of practices we can learn as human beings and it is a lack of Forgiveness that often leaves us weak and ineffectual.

A New Definition
Instead of viewing it as an act of pure altruistic leniency, I invite to you to adopt the following definition: to forgive someone is to practice to seeing them, and the accompanying conflict, from a new perspective. A Course in Miracles says that “every act is either an expression of love, or a call for love, regardless of how unskillful it may appear….forgiveness is a shift in perception that removes a block in me to my awareness of love’s presence.” With this definition of Forgiveness it becomes easy to see how incredibly empowering a steady practice of Forgiveness can be. When we have been wronged, we can choose to give up our story of pain or betrayal and instead notice how it was either an act of love or a call for love regardless of how unskillful. This gives us the capacity to feel the compassion for the other and also reflect on times we ourselves have been unskillful at expressing or calling for love. When we shift our attention we begin to feel Love’s presence and return to gratitude and happiness.

For the Forgiver
Hate, anger, resentment, judgment- these things accomplish nothing positive for anyone. Our paradigms often tell us that resentment or grudges are necessary to serve justice, that without them chaos will follow and unfairness will result. Nothing could be further from the truth. And once we realize this, we become free from the rollercoaster of emotions that outside circumstances and judgment put us through and are instead able to choose feeling peace and love. Forgiveness, like prayer and gratitude, is not for the object, but for the subject; not for the forgiven, but for the forgiver. When we hold on to pain we give it more power than it originally had. When we rehearse a hurt, remembering it over and over in the name of protection, all we accomplish is the prolonging of our own suffering. After all, it is quite common that those we are angry at or dislike aren’t even aware of it. The act of letting go is for us, not them. On a deeper level however, Forgiveness is also form of spiritual cleansing. Holding on to grudges or discontent may feel satisfying in the short-term, but acts as a very real impediment to our spiritual and emotional growth. When we are focused on pain, we lose sight of joy. When we are focused on betrayal, we lose sight of the fact that the Universe is good (all the time). By forgiving others and ourselves, by consciously choosing to let go of whatever negative story our external circumstances and paradigms create, we find space within ourselves to experience more happiness. The voice of the Universe reminds us that what we believe is a choice, that our perspective can change if we want it to. By practicing Forgiveness we can rewrite the stories our minds initially create. We have the power to give up a story that leaves us angry or unhappy in exchange for another that leaves us feeling grateful and at peace.

On a Personal Note
In late 2013, I discovered that my fiancé of 6 years had cheated on me. My vision of the future shattered, I called off the wedding and moved out of our shared home within a week. I had always held a strong and clear position against cheating, telling myself that if anyone ever cheated on me, I would hate them forever! And yet, although I felt so hopeless I could barely eat or sleep, I found holding on to the hate was simply too painful. In a heartfelt email, I reached out to my bridesmaids and said:

"I love him so very much. It is crazy for me to realize that I love him even through this. I love his weird way of thinking, I love his ability to talk to strangers, his dumb jokes, hah at this point I am realizing I even love his sweaty hands lol. But my point is, I love all of him; I love his soul. And thankfully I do, because love is the only thing that heals. Although I am still hurt by his actions. I have already forgiven him in my heart. Forgiving is one of the first steps to letting go I think. Holding onto anger and resentment would be holding on to the pain of what could have been. I have to love myself through this. Thank you all for loving me through this. Thank you. "
​
In that pain, I realized that in order to love myself, I had to forgive him regardless of whether he deserved it or not. So began my regular practice of Forgiveness. Every time he came to mind I forgave him. At first, this was several times an hour… then several times a day… then once a day. And now I apply this practice to anyone and everyone whenever I feel a lack of abundance, gratitude or joy. It may not be perfect, or easy, but I can say with absolute certainty that the more I practice forgiveness, the more I experience freedom, love and success.

Added Benefits
Great news! Because we are whole beings, practicing forgiveness doesn’t just have benefits for our emotional and spiritual side, there are also health benefits, which, according to the Mayo Clinic, include improved relationships, decreased anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure, a lowered risk of depression, and stronger immune and heart health. Our bodies affirm this in tangible, measurable ways. As explained by Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic the John Hopkins Hospital, “there is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed” which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response, which in turn increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes. According to a study performed by researchers at Hope College, Forgiveness is linked to lower amounts of cortisol, a stress hormone used to metabolize starches. And a relatively recent study in the Journal of Health Psychology has even uncovered evidence that those who are highly forgiving of both themselves and others can virtually eliminate the connection between stress and mental illness.

Invitation to Practice
Buddha once said, “holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burned.” This week I invite you to let go of the hot coal. When faced with anger or frustration, take a moment to stop and notice what you are feeling. Then, as much as possible, instead of reacting with judgment or confrontation, practice this 3- step Metta bhavana, or loving-kindness meditation. This comes from the Buddhist tradition, but can be adapted and practiced by anyone, regardless of religious affiliation.

1. Close your eyes. Take 3 deep breaths and say these 5 statements of love to yourself.
May I be truly happy.
May I live in peace.
May I live in love.
May I know the power of forgiveness.
May I live in recognition that my life has deep meaning and good purpose.

2.Close your eyes. Take 3 deep breaths and bring an image of someone who you find easy to love and repeat the same 5 statements replacing I with you (ex: may you* be truly happy)

3. Close your eyes. Take 3 deep breaths and bring an image of someone who you find hard to love and repeat the same 5 statements.

Feel free to vary the statements to your situation or find the exact words that work best for you. And as always, you can be proactive, saying these things not in response to someone who has hurt or angered you, but as part of a brief meditation each morning to start your day!

Social Media Bonus Social media has a lot going on for sure, but it can also be a space where people connect and encourage one another. With this in mind, as an extra bonus everyday you post about doing this practice or another healing practice during the month of February with #SHdailypractice (on Facebook and/or instagram) you’ll be entered into a raffle to win 2 FREE tickets to empWWOWer Yourself: A Health and Wellness Workshop!

Sending light and love,
Adelina Tancioco